Why does it even have to be a BIGfoot?

Posted on August 14, 2008
Filed Under Whiskey Tango Foxtrot |

Bigfoot wants you to know he isn't dead yet!

Bigfoot wants you to know he is not dead!

OK, prepare to be excited!

There’s a new breakthrough in the supernatural world of funky creatures which might exist but are apparently so close to extinction, that they’re only seen one at a time in isolated geographical regions, and never leave behind any physical evidence except footprints…UNTIL NOW!

I’m talking about BigFoot (Sasquatch or whatever you choose to call the damned thing), and more precisely this specific ’squatch which was recently found in Georgia by a so-called Bigfoot expedition company that “trekked for a day and a half” some 7 miles into the woods and hauled back a dead Bigfoot body.

Oh goody. They hauled out a corpse, but do they immediately call a press conference, and declare a cryptozoological victory? Hell no- they instead claim to be sending various parts of the beast to top scientists for examination, and will hold a press conference later, where DNA and photographic evidence will PROVE it is real.

Yeah, and King Kong’s out back clearing brush from the yard as I type this- how else would I have the time to write this up?

Alleged dead Bigfoot creature

Alleged dead Bigfoot creature

Here’s a photo of the alleged Bigfoot, after it was thawed out from its icy repose in a common deep freeze. Yes, indeed, it bears a striking resemblance to dude in the graphic above, which in turn is a photo of this Bigfoot costume- imagine that!

What’s more, the precise location where the ‘foot was recovered (and apparently the details around its death, etc.) are being kept secret- why? Brace yourselves: THERE ARE MORE BIGFOOTS (BIGFEET?) in this same patch of woods, folks! Naturally the original crew of people (no name dropping will occur here) who “found” this thing saw other similar creatures, and are worried that if they give up the goods on the woods, people will come and poach em and suchlike!

Here are some statistics on the “creature”:

And the kickers: DNA tests are currently being done and the current DNA and photo evidence will be presented at the press conference on Friday, August 15th as opposed to you know, showing a dissected creature with actual reputable scientist fellers explaining what the thing is. Photo evidence? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?! The creature was also purportedly sold for 10 million dollars, and the crew who found it are not allowed to talk about it per written agreement.

Sounds pretty damned compelling to me3, but not to BFRO!

Yes, the damned thing does look like a discarded Chewbacca costume with some animal guts thrown on top of it… It looks more like the costume linked to above. Speaking of links, of course it tickled Frauenfelder’s funny bone over on BoingBoing as well.

I won’t mention the guys behind this- I won’t link to their site. They’ve gotten more than 15 seconds, and are determined to drag it out to half an hour. Search for “searching for bigfoot” in the Google if you’re curious…

Why the title of this post, you might ask?

Good- I’m glad you were wondering. I’m wondering too…

Why should the creatures be some larger, hairier, scarier hominoid-ish beasts in the first place? The person who first imagined these sure as hell had a lame imagination. These missing links don’t even make sense at all from an evolutionary or idiotic design perspective-

Wouldn’t it be much cooler to have Littlefoot running around? Nay, TINYfoot even!

Imagine itty bitty hominoid creatures which are less than a quarter of an inch tall, hiding in the battery compartment of your cell phone, or crawling around in your ears while you’re sleeping. I’m talking land lubben’ versions of the sea monkeys here, folks.  Something so small you’d need a microscope to determine the gender!

I’m inspired by Stephen King’s Fornits! Why don’t we have a rash of sightings involving tiny little ape-like creatures that routinely sell for millions of dollars?! There sure as hell wouldn’t have been a day and a half expedition and six people required to carry a Tinyfoot out of any woods, nor would you need a big assed deep freeze and all that ice to preserve it after you “found it” dead. You could just lay the lil booger on an ice cube in the freezer!

gagorilla-orig-72x72 Why does it even have to be a BIGfoot?

Bigfoot- It has to be the most ridiculous mystery of the unknown going.  Anyone care to place a wager on whether this particular instance will be proven a hoax?

Didn’t think so.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go pay King Kong his twenty bucks for cleanin’ up the brush out back.

UPDATE: D’OH!

  1. Well gee, I guess that beats looking “part fish-like and part garden-gnome-like. I’m convinced now!” [↩]
  2. Really? Have any female Bigfoot creatures ever been reported? Bigfoot families? Bueller? Bueller? [↩]
  3. Just kidding- it sounds like complete balderdash to me! [↩]

Comments

2 Responses to “Why does it even have to be a BIGfoot?”

  1. brim on August 15th, 2008 4:28 pm

    How did they hike the 500lb body 7-miles back home?

    Brim

  2. brian on August 16th, 2008 2:35 pm

    Thanks for the comment.

    From what I’ve read, there were actually six (6) people involved in the original “expedition”, which would be enough to get the job done. Why only three of the six are in the limelight and taking credit for it is anyone’s guess.

    Maybe they got some of the living creatures to help them carry the dead one out? ;->

    They’re now mounting a “secret expedition” to recover a live creature…

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